SO YOU THINK YOU WANT A STAFFORD?
- To prepare for the
Stafford, go to the local Veterinary Surgeon. Tip the contents of your
purse/ wallet onto his counter and tell him to help himself. Then go
to the pet shop. Arrange to have your wages paid directly to their
accountant. Go home and read the paper in peace for the last time.
- Before you finally get a
Stafford, find a couple who already have one and berate them about
their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low
tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their dog to run riot.
Suggest ways in which they might improve their dog’s sleeping habits,
toilet training, table manners and overall behaviour. Enjoy it – it’ll
be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.
- To discover how the
night feels, go to bed at 10pm. Set the alarm for midnight, wake up
and throw yourself violently onto the floor. Place a 56lb bag of
potatoes on the duvet and attempt to get back under the covers. Reset
the alarm for 5.30am and, just as you are waking up, slap yourself in
the face with a large wet sponge. Get up, make breakfast, keep this up
for 14 years, try to look cheerful.
- Can you stand the mess
that dogs make? To find out first throw 2 gallons of mud onto a newly
mopped kitchen floor, smear the excess up the sides of the cooker and
kitchen units. Tread a little into the hall and living room carpets.
Stick your fingers in the flower-beds and rub them on the clean walls.
Now, how does that look?
- Walk down the road with
one arm fully extended, break into a jog extending the arm even
further. Say ‘heel’ nicely, several times. Shout ‘heel’ several more.
Scream ‘stop pulling damn you’. Ignore looks from passers-by.
- Forget the BMW and buy a
Ford Sierra Estate. Buy a rawhide chew, a packet of dog biscuits and a
large bone. Mash them down the back of the rear seats. Go to the
hairdressers and obtain a week’s floor sweepings. Distribute liberally
on the seats and carpets. Run a garden rake along both sides of the
car. There, perfect!
- Get ready to go out, try
to sneak out of the door without making a sound. Go halfway down the
garden path, come back. Five minutes later try again. Come back. Put
on the stereo and make soothing noises. Try again. Come back. Ring
friends and tell them to come round to see you instead.
- Practice sitting on not
more that 1/8th of the sofa and try different methods of balancing a
hot cup on your knees. When, if ever, you perfect this, try eating a
packet of crisps/ biscuits silently whilst keeping the packet totally
out of sight. Give up and sprinkles crumbly residue down back of sofa.
- Tie 2 dinner forks
together and put a dog lead on a door hook. Rehearse picking up the
dog lead silently. When it rattles scratch yourself very hard down the
shins with the forks. Repeat procedure several times. Go to the sports
shop and obtain a pair of goalkeeper’s shin pads.
- Now for a final tip
start practicing even trying to see your computer screen while
balancing 40 odd lb's of Stafford on you lap. IMPOSSIBLE.....Nah you
just need to start practising when they are tiny Now using the
keyboard is an artform.
Always repeat everything
you say at least five times. Always repeat everything you say…Always
repeat everything you say.....Always.....Get the picture
Welcome to the world of the
staffordshire bull terrier owner !